TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from area. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let us have A further put the place American Adult men can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer everyone a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electric power," explained Trump Tower Damascus political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he should really quit applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the job, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place company may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Without end."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is now attracting awareness from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have convert-down service."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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